Mental health

Drowning in a Bad Day.

Today I feel like I can’t take it anymore. Depression is hitting hard, anxiety and panic are pretty quiet. I never thought I would say it, but I miss anxiety and panic now. At least they made me feel alive. I still saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I felt that even when I couldn’t fight anymore, my body was reacting for me. With depression, it’s not like that. At all.

I just woke up like this. I woke up with some kind of melancholy filling my chest. When describing the symptoms of mental illness, we always use the same words that we use for emotions, but that’s not how it is. Mental illnesses are not emotions. That’s why I often say “kind of…”

I know I’m blessed with many good things in my life, but right now I can only wish I could be born again into someone else’s life. This one is just too hard for me. I have this constant feeling that my life will never be happy because it will always be darkened by mental illness, so why live? Who would want a life like this? It just doesn’t make any sense.

I remember I used to love life so much – sometimes I probably still do. And yet I can’t feel that now. I just feel nothing, except for fear, when I can. Reaching for the phone and asking for help seem like the hardest thing to do. I’m at the bottom of a pit, and it feels like there is no way of coming up again.

I feel like a burden when I tell people that I’m not feeling good and I need help, or even just company. I’m tired and bored of hearing myself say “I feel depressed.” I think people are not even taking me seriously anymore, because I say it too often. The problem is, I’m saying it often because I’m feeling it often. I’m drowning, can’t the lifeguard see it? I’m drowning.

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2 thoughts on “Drowning in a Bad Day.

  1. I’m so sorry you’re feeling like that! I honestly don’t know what to say to help you feel better, but I just feel like I needed to comment. I have definitely experienced people close to me that have gone through what you’re describing. All I know is that eventually the feeling of gloom and doom wears off, even if at least temporarily, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Everything is passing, nothing is permanent, and before you know it you’ll realize that the way you’re feeling right now is in the past and no longer with you. All pain, all suffering is temporary. Just hold on, take it one day at a time, one hour at time, even one minute at a time if you need to.
    If you want someone to talk to, even if I can’t provide much for you, if you need to vent, say anything at all, you can shoot me an email at: anewlifewandering@gmail.com
    I’ll do my best to provide you with a glimpse of light, hope, encouragement.
    Hang in there.
    Mani

    Like

    1. Thank you so much, just the fact that you commented means a lot to me. I agree with everything you say, except in those moments (or periods of days, it depends on how long it lasts) I just can’t see it. It’s like the illness completely controls my mind. I try to say it to myself, but it just doesn’t work. Even after the “attack” has passed I still have the lingering feeling of doom, and the longer it lasts, the harder it is to get rid of it.
      Thank you so much again for your comment. Lots of love your way ❤

      Like

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