Long-Distance Relationship · Love · The Search for Happiness · Travel

Pa(ck)in(g) again.

It’s time to pack again.

Leaving home hurts. Not having a home hurts even more. Leaving your love breaks your heart, each time a little more. When I leave Italy, I always feel the many things I’m going to miss, and when I’m in Brazil I miss them. But when I leave Brazil, I leave my love here, and when I’m in Italy, I don’t just miss him. He is a huge part of myself, of my own being, and I feel empty and broken.

I can’t even say “But my life is there, in Italy, my life is in Italy”. That’s not true. My family is in Italy, and some of my friends are in Italy, and I love them both very much, but my life is not there anymore.

And it is not in Brazil, either. I can’t see my life here. I can’t see my future here.

Then where is my life? Honestly, I don’t know. I feel split, confused, and full of opportunities at the same time. I still have to find my home, which means I’m kind of homeless right now, but I can build one anywhere I feel like it in the future. I guess my life is wherever I take it. It’s inside of me.

And yet, I can’t help but feeling that my life is where my love is. A big part of my life is him. So whenever I go away from him, I leave a big part of my life behind for a while, before being reunited once more.

Then let’s rephrase it: I am homeless, but we are full of opportunities. We can build our home anywhere we feel like it.

Here I am, sitting on the floor of his room, our room in Brazil. I’m sitting in front of my suitcase, unable to fill it. Each item of clothes I move from the drawer into the suitcase feels as heavy as a rock. It feels like taking pieces of my soul out of my body.

This packing is going to take a lot of time and a lot of me.

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8 thoughts on “Pa(ck)in(g) again.

  1. I think this is such an easy way to feel when you are in an LDR because you are travelling and can be spending long periods of time in a different place from where you live, but you are still doing regular every day activities. Hopefully we will be able to find our new homes.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have felt this way many times. Currently I’ve been living in the same place for about 2 years and I still feel “homeless” but now I am used to the feeling. It doesn’t hurt as much as before. When I go visit my hometown, it hurts less to say goodbye. I have gotten used to this nomadic life where home is not a permanent place. I’m sorry you feel this pain right now.

    Like

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