Yesterday, I met the professor who had agreed to be the relator for my thesis. I explained to her that my anxiety is not as under control as I thought – as per usual, when I come back to Italy – and I’m not able to focus on the thesis right now. I’m telling you, guys, that didn’t feel good.
First of all, I wasted her time for months and didn’t accomplish anything. It was very embarrassing to disappoint a professor who had invested her time in me, to admit I couldn’t make it and to show my weakness. Showing weakness is not a bad thing itself, but you never know how the other person will take it. Sure, you shouldn’t care, but you often do, anyway. You don’t know if they will understand your pain, or if they will just wrinkle their lips in disappointment. Mental disorders can hurt you both from the inside and from the outside.
Furthermore, I’m not used to failing, and my academic career is totally falling apart. I was going to finish my exams and graduate last April, but one year ago panic attacks stroke again and destroyed all my plans. I have still have three exams to take, and they are all German exams, which makes me feel hopeless. It takes me so much time to study in German, I still can’t speak it properly, and my attention is very low due to anxiety. I’m so focused on surviving that studying has become a luxury for my brain.
Anyway, my professor was extremely sweet and understanding. She asked about my situation and she listened to me attentively while I probably blabbered on too much. It was a very a very pleasant chat and a big relief! It totally made my day. No, it made my whole week!
I had talked to my psychologist the day before, though, and we agreed that taking things slow is the only possible way. I’ll focus in these three exams left, then I’ll work on the thesis. My boyfriend and I made some evaluation and we concluded that risking my mental health again in order to graduate faster is just not worth it. Once I finish the exams, I’ll take as much time as I need to work on the thesis, and I’ll graduate whenever I graduate. We will save some money on other things to pay for some extra time at university.
I guess I’ll also wait a little longer to give up my medications. The last week has been really hard, and this might not be the right time.
Currently, beside studying, I’m looking for volunteering positions in Rio de Janeiro for July and August, in order to spend a shorter time apart from my boyfriend and to get out of the house a bit.
On the bright side, I managed to treat myself too: My mother and I ordered tons of tea on the Internet, and the package will arrive today! I’m going to finish my Japanese green tea right now to make space for the new one. I’m also trying to take care of my body as often as possible: I’m keeping my skin hydrated with natural almond oil and I managed to gain a couple of kilos. I’m close to 50kg!