Mental health

The Difference of Awareness, pt 3.

Continuation of The Difference of Awareness, pt 2.

That night I had one of the worst moments of my life. The day went on kind of fine, even though I kept on checking my heartbeat every five minutes, just to make sure my heart was in fact still beating. I remember I had a driving class that morning. I went there after the E.R. episode, and I could hardly use the gearshift because my right wrist was still hurting for the blood sample taking.

Anyway, as I said, the day passed, and soon it was dinner time. My mother summoned us with the usual “The food is ready” and we sat at the table. I took my place and waited for my plate. I remember the discomfort I felt, but I tried to resist. My mom placed the plate of toast and lentils in front of me. I reached for the fork, but at that point my brain stopped working.

I was staring at the food, but my stomach started shrinking and a strong but undescribable feeling took over me. Just recalling it makes me shudder, but I’ll try. It felt like suddenly all the sadness of the world was inside of me. I felt scared and overwhelmed, but in a very quiet and resigned way. I felt I could never overcome this feeling, and my life was close to an end. I couldn’t live in that pain. Nobody could. Ever.

I felt lost and I started feeling the need of running away. I was gasping for breath, there was no air for me at that table. The fear became tangible inside of me. I felt it in my belly, in my stomach, in my chest. I felt like dying, but this time it was not my body: It was my soul.

I went to my room, disoriented. I couldn’t live like this. It was too much. I couldn’t live carrying the burden of the world on my shoulders and waiting for a heart attack to arrive. What was happening to me? Where had I gone wrong? Had I gone bad? Was that how the rest of my life was going to be?

I closed the door, but I opened it again. What if I had a heart attack and nobody noticed? It was better to keep the door open. I sat on my bed, but couldn’t stay still. I started crying and panting. I was terrified and the only thing I could think of was “I can’t take this”.

As hard as it can be to admit a thought like this, I started asking myself what might be the least painful way to end my life, just in case I couldn’t get out of the deep black hole I had fallen into. I was trying to get out, but there was no ladder or rope. I was crying for help, but my cry was voiceless.

Living a life like this was impossible. Ending it might have been the only solution.

Advertisements

One thought on “The Difference of Awareness, pt 3.

So, what do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s