My day started with the picture that my boyfriend’s brother sent on the family group. Not a good picture: He ate my chocolate cereals. I was still digesting this information, when I heard some weird exclamation from the other room: There’s a freaking bird in the kitchen. I got up and sat on a chair in the living room, staring at the closed kitchen door.
I was hungry, there were a thousand dishes to wash, I was hungry… I started thinking: maybe I could break some creakers on my hand, so the bird will fly to me and I’ll help it out… Or I could get a long broomstick to move the curtain that’s blocking the bird to get back out… But the broomstick are behind the door that the bird is blocking… And I don’t have the guts to draw a bird to my hand… I have to get some food… By the time I found the courage to get the creakers, the bird was already gone.
I have been working on accepting that I just can’t study right now. I need to respect my mind and its rhythms, and right now it’s just not the time to study. Doing “nothing” – at least seemingly nothing – sometimes is fine. That’s what my mind needs right now, so that’s what I’ll do. What I can’t stand is trying, even struggling to do something, anything, at the same time wondering if I should stop and give myself a break, but also asking myself what I’m doing with my life and whining the results. I can’t take that anymore. I don’t like myself like that, I don’t like whining, and I definitely don’t like wasting my time like that. If the result is going to be nothing anyway, then I want to choose to do nothing, and do it right. It might sound like a joke, but it’s not. I’m going to do nothing anyway, I’m having this moment in my life and that’s it. Now, I can either do nothing and stress myself about it all the time, or I can do nothing and enjoy it, doing the things that I usually wouldn’t do for lack of free time, with my conscience clear because I really need this right now.
And of course it’s not like nothing is happening at all: I’ve been working so hard on myself that I’m starting to see some results. These last weeks gave me the time to reflect on myself and my life. I have made so much progress – emotionally, psychologically, physically… – and I wouldn’t have got here if I hadn’t given myself a break.
So, as frustrating as “doing nothing” can feel… sometimes you have to let go. I’m learning to let go. Once you accept things – words, events, needs, fears, feelings, even yourself – and stop fighting them, they stop being a problem and they simply become a peaceful part of your life and of yourself.