I have been thinking about this for a while, but after a short conversation with my boyfriend last night it acquired a new shape. The thing is, I feel like I’m stuck in this phase of my life without doing nothing.
I’m afraid I’m just wasting my time – I’m not studying that much (ok, I’m not studying fullstop), I’m not working right now (waiting for more translations), I’m not doing anything to pursue my dream of writing except for writing this blog. The reality seems to be different from my perception of it, according to my psychologist, but I couldn’t see it this morning at 7.30am when I was googling “I don’t know what to do with my life” (which soon became “How to be a writer” and ended up in a Word document which I will post here later).
I feel that I’m letting everybody down, and I’m not giving anything positive to the people around me. I’m even trying to change things, but I can’t. I really struggle to study, but my mind refuses to do it. I have three exams left to finally graduate, and my brain refuses to work on them. I finally know what I want to do in life, and my eyes refuse to see the simple step I should take to at least give it a try. I’m throwing all the frustration I feel about myself on my boyfriend, who is starting to think I don’t like him anymore. I see him come home from work and I feel so stupid compared to him, who has a job and a direction in life. I’m becoming one of those pretty-but-stupid girlfriends of this extremely smart and handsome guy, and at some point people will start whispering “What is he doing with her?”.
Ok, back to Earth. Apparently there is a reason for all this. There is a reason why I can do nothing at the moment. You would think it’s fear of failure, wouldn’t you? Well, you would be wrong. I’m not that predictable. Apparently, what paralyzes me is… fear of success!
Basically I’m afraid I won’t be happy even after reaching my goals and that I won’t be able to find new goals after I reach my present ones. It’s not this simple, but I’m not a Psychologist and I can’t explain it as well we my therapist does, so this will do. You got the idea, anyway.
There is probably something else, related to the fact that every time we leave a situation, even if this situation is bad, we will leave something good. Undoubtedly there are comfortable aspects of my present situation that will be hard to leave – like living in a family, not having the responsibility of a house, etc.
If you ask me, I want that responsibility, I want to live on my own, I want to be independent!!! But, as my therapist told me, I have to respect my rhythms. Clearly there is still something that is holding me back, and I have to figure that out in order to solve my issues. Crazy as it sounds, there is a part of me that is holding me back from being fully happy. Well, let’s be patient. One day I’ll find that bitch out, and we’ll see who holds back whom.
In the meanwhile, I got a nose piercing. I love it! It makes my huge nose look prettier.
Namaste, guys, Namaste!