How is it that I only manage to write when I’m excruciated by pain? Where is my artistic vein when I’m fine? I can’t believe that I need to suffer to be creative. This has been my biggest fear since my last wave of panic attacks. I want to write, I desperately want to write, I want to proudly call myself a writer, but I don’t want to become another Virginia Woolf!!!
I have been admiring so deeply writers like Elizabeth Gilbert and J.K. Rowling exactly because they happily write. It’s a bit like talking about marriage, isn’t it? When someone says they are married, you immediately think of a couple yelling, banging doors and not having sex anymore. Even if your parents were happy, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. But everything changes when they say “happily married”, right? Suddenly flowers appear all around the scene and love songs play in the background and these two people are laughing for no apparent reason and then kissing each other passionately.
That’s it. I want to be “happily a writer”.
I think I’m starting to figure out where the problem lays (apart from the fact that I’ve been putting so much pressure on myself about writing that the blank page paralyzes me). When I had panic attacks, panic attacks were all I could think of. It occupied my whole head and attention – as it is natural. I couldn’t do anything else – I couldn’t study, I couldn’t read, I could hardly watch movies (usually I only watched movies or TV series that I had already watched a thousand times, because it was the only thing that made me slightly comfortable and that I could actually understand what was happening in).
Now the panic attacks are mostly gone – they have been gone for a while, already – but my mind still feels empty. I still can’t manage all this space I have at my disposal, the space I had wanted so much. It’s not that I’m lazy (or am I?), I actually want to study German, I want to do yoga, and I certainly want to write. The problem is that my mind has been so busy struggling against anxiety, that now it doesn’t know how to apply to anything else.
Plus, I have been so self-centered in order to really discover and understand myself and to be myself to fight anxiety, that now I find it hard to focus on anything but me. It’s awful to acknowledge this, but it’s the truth. I’m really making an effort to open up and just listen to other people. And that’s mostly people I love. How do I learn to focus again on studying? After months of letting problems out, how do I let information in?
I also have to admit, my life here in Brazil is not really super-busy, which is not very mind-stimulating, and I miss having deadlines.
Well, I managed to write something, but it was out of negativity and not positivity. I’m too used to getting energy from the negative while struggling to get the positive; now I need to take a further step: getting energy out of the positive that I finally got. And this is where I need the Hurricane strength. Bring it on.