Talking is turning out to be the hardest thing lately, so I don’t know how much I’ll be able to write today. Even talking to my psychologist has become a huge effort. My brain just refuses to find the words for such awful feelings.
One thing I realized in the last days and I discussed today with my psychologist is my terrible fear of being replaced. I am afraid of being replaced in every single function I might have in other people’s lives – as a daughter, as a friend, as a girlfriend. Part of it is normal, but the rest isn’t. It’s a sick thought which saddens and hurts me. It poisons me to the point of trying to convince other people they don’t really like me.
If you followed my posts in the last two months, you must have noticed the huge change which took place since I came back from Brazil, so I’m not going to bother you with the same old story again. Clearly I have some problems in this house, and that’s all I’m gonna say now.
The flight is not changeable, but I was already thinking of staying anyway. Of course I would love to go to Brazil and see my boyfriend sooner than expected, and for sure it would be much easier than staying here. But there are things that I want to do here before going there – a friend of mine I met when studying in Germany is coming to see me; Bennie and I are planning to go see an exhibition of Steve McCurry’s photography (WOW!), I ordered “The signature of all things” at the bookshop (they didn’t have the English version) and it should arrive in a couple of days, and I’m waiting for the order I made online (containing Bennie’s birthday gift, Aurora’s birthday gift and a couple of more rings for me – which, btw, were on sale two days after I placed my order; too obvious, no?) to appear in my mailbox.
I don’t want to miss these things. I have already given up too many things for anxiety or for other people driving me crazy, and I don’t want to do it again. I owe it to myself. I will resist during these twelve days (in thirteen days I will arrive in Brazil, but in twelve days I’ll be already leaving Italy) through the thing that always calms me down (apart from my boyfriend): planning.
Bennie and I are experts at planning. Just seeing our day entirely planned and written on paper calms us down and makes us feel like we have already done half the work. When I’ll see my twelve days completely organized and written down, I won’t feel so overwhelmed and they will look easier to face. Plus, I love my cute organizer, I bought it in Rio de Janeiro with a dear friend of mine!
Little addition to the last posts: last night was the first time I couldn’t get myself to go to my yoga class. That’s really saying something.