I’m not feeling so fine today. The problem is that I can’t actually tell what’s wrong, ’cause I don’t know that. Sometimes I’m afraid I’ve been left with a huge black hole in my life since my panic attacks are gone, and I still don’t know exactly what to do with it. The plan was to fill that hole with my new real self, but I’m starting to think that my new real self is too small and the hole is too big. If this is the case… I need a plan B.
Today I spent the whole morning in bed. I need it, after the long trip from Brazil, but I still hadn’t had the time to do it. Honestly, I’d gladly slip back into my warm bed and sleep, ’cause trying to understand what’s wrong with me is making me very tired, but at the some time I can’t help it – as long as I’m awake.
I’m afraid I can’t spend so much time in this house without feeling like a zero. Being myself is so hard here, ’cause I know somebody doesn’t like it. So I start hiding myself behind a mask that pleases more who is around me. No, it’s not “who is around me”, it’s just one person. But too powerful a person.
My sister actually told me I have to learn not to care, not to feel so wrong, ’cause she actually likes me better now that I’m myself. So why do I keep on focusing on the worst part of this, on who doesn’t like me? I want to close my eyes and open them again in my boyfriend’s hug, on his bed. My happy place. I already need a break from this.