Love · Mental health

Low Italian Day.

I’m not feeling so fine today. The problem is that I can’t actually tell what’s wrong, ’cause I don’t know that. Sometimes I’m afraid I’ve been left with a huge black hole in my life since my panic attacks are gone, and I still don’t know exactly what to do with it. The plan was to fill that hole with my new real self, but I’m starting to think that my new real self is too small and the hole is too big. If this is the case… I need a plan B.

Today I spent the whole morning in bed. I need it, after the long trip from Brazil, but I still hadn’t had the time to do it. Honestly, I’d gladly slip back into my warm bed and sleep, ’cause trying to understand what’s wrong with me is making me very tired, but at the some time I can’t help it – as long as I’m awake.

I’m afraid I can’t spend so much time in this house without feeling like a zero. Being myself is so hard here, ’cause I know somebody doesn’t like it. So I start hiding myself behind a mask that pleases more who is around me. No, it’s not “who is around me”, it’s just one person. But too powerful a person.

My sister actually told me I have to learn not to care, not to feel so wrong, ’cause she actually likes me better now that I’m myself. So why do I keep on focusing on the worst part of this, on who doesn’t like me? I want to close my eyes and open them again in my boyfriend’s hug, on his bed. My happy place. I already need a break from this.

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12 thoughts on “Low Italian Day.

  1. I love that you are a globetrotting world traveler! I hope you don’t stay in this black hole of lost and confusion. At least you are getting out and about and doing somethin about it. I run a blog catered to twenty something’s feeling a little lost in this decade of their lives. Check it out! It’s Dolly, darling I hope this helps, darling.

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    1. Yeah, I’m really trying to do something about it – psychoanalysis, yoga, social interaction… I think there is a chance sooner or later everything will be fine. 🙂
      I’ll check your blog out immediately after yoga class! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yoga was therapeutic for me for awhile but I found that going out and doing things helped better! Hiking? Cave exploring? Sounds like something that might lift ya up a bit 🙂

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        1. For me it’s the opposite: Hiking and similar stuff calm me down on the moment, but yoga actually helps me to look deep inside and understand myself. Plus, hiking is a fun hobby, but yoga is much more than just a hobby… 🙂

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  2. If the hole is too big and you are to small to fill it, you should work on discovering yourself and making yourself bigger. Exploring new things. I felt like that for a while. I’ve since started playing two instruments again that I hadn’t played in years. I’m writing a novel. I’ve started my blog. I’ve taken up photography. I’m now bigger than the hole was. I wish you all the luck in becoming bigger than that hole.

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  3. You remind of myself 5 years ago. I had depression attacks and was dependent on my then boyfriend for comfort. I felt he’s the only one who understood me. However, later in life and after much pain, I discovered that it was wrong for me to depend on him that way. That dependence should be reserved for God. Thay maybe the black hole you feel. I learned it with much pain of loss. If you have the time, I’d like to share with you that dark experience here.

    https://flavoredlemons.wordpress.com/2015/01/21/from-agnosticism-to-love-a-journey/

    and then I found love again, this time when I was big enough and didn’t have a void inside:

    https://flavoredlemons.wordpress.com/2014/12/30/how-much-does-mr-right-really-cost/

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    1. Thank you, I understand what you mean. I had some relationships where I depended too much on my boyfriend, and that felt wrong. Luckily, my relationship with my boyfriend is very well balanced. I don’t believe in God, but I’m learning to believe in myself. I’m just tired of living in this house and I really miss my boyfriend. 🙂
      I’ll go check your blog!

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