I’m about to write one of those posts that I can only write when I’m upset, and it probably won’t make sense even to me when I’m fine again. I’m out-of-my-mind upset, so I can’t imagine what the result will be.
I say upset, because I’m not simply angry. Actually, mostly I feel hurt, sad and misunderstood. I’m not even gonna explain the reason, because it’s just bullshit. You know how people argue about bullshit and then somehow they make a big deal out of it, right? Well, that’s what happened. Let me just add to this that the distance SUCKS, and I really wish my boyfriend were here with me (or I were in Brazil with him) so I could see him after work, we would look at each other, talk, and at some point we might even laugh of what idiots we are.
Instead I’m here, at 10pm, writing this post, my yoga class was clearly not enough to calm me down and my phone is on the other side of the room, in order to diminish the chances to throw it with energy against the wall because it’s-not-ringing. And he’s there, at 7pm, probably still working, or on the bus to go home, and of course – since I’m an insecure stubborn girl – in my head he looks fine, he doesn’t look upset at all.
I would ask you WHY we do this, and by “we” I mean “people”, everybody. Why do we turn everything into a big deal? But I know the answer: in most cases, our ego is the reason. Even now, I’m writing down that it’s bullshit, but am I texting him? No, I’m not. Why am I not putting my ego aside, once I know it’s its fault? Why is he (probably) doing the same? I guess that’s just part of being humans.
I keep on repeating myself he doesn’t really think the things he said, he only said them because he was angry. Of course it’s like that, otherwise why would he even date me? I know it’s like that. But still, there’s a little voice inside my head telling me he does think those things, but they only come out when he is angry. This voice is a bitch, ’cause unfortunately I’m too insecure to ignore it.
This voice expresses my biggest fears, I know it’s just playing with me, but that’s not enough. I’m scared of losing a person I infinitely love, of not deserving the love he gives to me, of actually being a selfish judgmental girl. I’m working hard on myself to be a better person, but I’m afraid it will never be enough. I’m terrified one day he will agree with this and leave me.
I’m still not texting him, but I’m already tasting the despair I’ll feel tomorrow morning when I wake up and there’s no message on my phone. I know how that feels, I’ve done that already. I’ll be praying that he will want to talk to me and make up when he wakes up. I’ll be petrified at the thought that he might tired of the pathetic mess I am.