Yesterday and last night were the usual black hole that all my Brazil-Italy trips are. I wake up in the morning, go to the airport, lose my sense of time and suddenly come back to reality (a different one, though) the next morning. So, after all, it’s like waking up very tired on one morning in a different place from where I fell asleep. I skipped 24 hours.
My trip was fine, I didn’t sleep at all, but I watched several movies on the plane (I suggest to everybody Belle and Grand Piano, btw). I arrived in Italy around 11am, and I have been sick in my stomach since then. Might it be because of the freezing cold I got in Paris getting off one plane and on the other with no jacket? Might anxiety be helping? Oh well.
I didn’t want to sleep during the day, so I kept myself busy today: I had lunch at my Grandma’s, met a friend, and I was spending some quality time with my sister Aurora until her phone rang – and she had to run to MTV for some unknown reason – and I started writing.
Since we had some time on our hands, I used the occasion to talk to Aurora about some issues between us. As my boyfriend made me see, I already have enough problems of my own without trying to solve other people’ ones. And he is right. I need to focus more on myself, and accept I’m not the person to solve everybody’s problems. However, I couldn’t help talking to her about a wall we have between us which I think is what prevents us from being closer friends to each other.
This wall is made of competitiveness, which I think – and I guess my boyfriend will back me up on this one – is entirely reducible to ego. Everything between my sister and I turns into a competition. And please understand that I’m not blaming her; I do it, too. “I hate this”, “Yeah but I hate it even more than you do”; “I like this”, “Yeah but I already liked it before you did”. It sounds childish and immature (and of course I used oversimplified examples), but I really believe most people act like this sometimes – to resume different cases, I would say this happens when their ego stands above anything else. We need to make ourselves look better than the others. In the eyes of whom? In the eyes of ourselves, indeed.
I just figured, maybe if we approach the wall from both sides together, each of us with her own psychologist and her own will to change and improve, we can break it down. She recognized the problem and I hope she will work on it like I’m already trying to do.
Bedtime draws closer and closer and I miss my boyfriend more and more!
Sleep tight, everybody!