It doesn’t matter how hardly you try to be a good person. It doesn’t matter how much you struggle to find your internal balance. Alone, it’s too easy, and at the same time you can be sure of failure.
There are things that only experience and awesome people who surround you can make you see. You can’t get a lot of experience about this staying alone, and the awesome people… well, same thing. I needed to drive a person I infinitely love to exasperation, to understand how self-involved and whiny I can be. Yeah, ok, it’s because of anxiety; keeping things inside (even little insignificant things, like how many times I peed today) makes me fear they will grow bigger and bigger inside of me until the next explosion of panic attacks arrives; blah blah blah. But you know what? I’m so tired to blame it on anxiety, and I will never change until I blame it on who is actually responsible for it, so here it goes: IT WAS ME!!! ME, ME, ME!!! This person is not exasperated by my anxiety, this person is exasperated by ME!!!!!!!!
My wise friend Sara (yes, the psychologist) just answered to my outburst on Whatsapp telling me she does the same thing, but her boyfriend made her see it was too much to take and she is trying to get better at it. Then Bianca took part to the conversation, and she doesn’t suffer from anxiety, but she has the same problem! “What is just a trivial thought said out loud, can be a huge burden to the people close to us; What to us is just thinking out loud, can totally distress somebody else, sounding as a problem much bigger than what it actually is”, Sara said. How true! But why do we have to reach extreme situations to open our eyes? Why can’t we get there faster? I guess changing is so damn hard that we subconsciously try to stay the same until we have no other choice. The intention is good, don’t get me wrong, but the inertia of our habits and behaviors is just stronger than us.
The thing is, it’s too easy to feel balanced when you are on your own. With my past boyfriends, I never felt balanced. Then somebody found the courage to end that mutual torturing, and after a couple of days of tears I suddenly felt strong and independent as I had never been before. Suddenly, alone, I was fine. Then I met somebody else, and the balance was broken again. People, the hard thing is not solving all your issues on your own… the hard thing is doing it together with the world! The challenge is being a good person to yourself AND to the people that you love!
On Sunday I was at the 30th wedding anniversary party of a wonderful couple. Towards the end, the husband spent some minutes at the table where I was sitting with my boyfriend and our friends, and said some beautiful things about being a couple – I wish I had written them down before to remember them better. There were three couples at that table (including my boyfriend and I) and he told us: “Do you think being a couple is easy? Do you think where there is true love you won’t have problems? Of course it’s gonna be damn hard, and of course you are gonna have a thousand problems. But you fix them together. This sounds romantic, but the intention is not enough sometimes. Fixing is no piece of cake. But you go on. Sometimes you make sacrifices to see your partner happy, sometimes your partner will do the same to see you happy. And that will make both happy. Sometimes I get home from work and I can’t hold myself and I scream at who lives with me when actually I’m just nervous because of my job; then I apologize and they understand, cause we love each other. I’m trying to get better, and they have the patience to watch me failing and trying again. There’s no such thing as the perfect couple. You fight, you make up, but you are always there for each other”. I could struggle to remember something more, but is that really necessary? Didn’t you get it already?
So everybody, turn off the computer, put down the phone and go kiss your partner and make love (if you are not in a public place… oh, whatever); if your partner is not with you right now, just take up the phone again and send them an extra-sweet message. If you fight together, everything is solvable, it doesn’t matter how long it takes; and if you stuck around until now, you already know it’s worth the fight. Then, I wanna hear a very loud battle cry, louder, and louder, and louder, altogether (I’m still hearing only myself screaming; am I screaming too hard? Oh well…)… and once you are all set… go FIGHT!!!