Let’s talk about these things I’m doing. Panic attacks really opened my eyes and made me realize I need to find myself. This means knowing who I am, what I like, what I want from life, what I don’t want. I’m working hard on this, but the journey is long. Luckily I have a great fan club supporting me – my parents, my sister, my friends, my psychologist, and most of all, my boyfriend – but I know I’m the one who has to do the job. It’s all inside of me. Before realizing this, I had been waiting. For what, I don’t know exactly. I guess something like a revelation, an enlightening moment, a miracle… Well, probably the big sign from God were my panic attacks. So let’s summarize: where am I now in these journey?
First answer: I am in Brazil. I came here with the main goal of spending time with my boyfriend, and the second goal of preparing five university exams in three months while writing my bachelor thesis. In real life, preparing all these exams at once is almost impossible, especially if you are human and living with your boyfriend in Rio de Janeiro, so I guess it’s useless to say that’s not gonna happen. Until now (in the beginning of the third month here) I have written three pages (out of thirty) of my thesis and I have prepared about two exams.
Second answer: I am at university, and I will be for at least eight months. I was hoping to graduate in April – that’s why I had the ambitious dream of getting all that work done in three months – but, as I have already said, that’s not gonna happen. I am SO sick and tired of being a university student (for thousands of reasons) that every time I remember I should be studying I get this uncontrollable desire to clean the house, tidy up my room, water my plants and my neighbor’s ones, go to the gym, call every member of my family in alphabetical order, and finally bang my head so hard against the wall that I pass out and have a further excuse not to study for a couple of days more. This morning, for example, I hand-washed every single item of underwear I brought to Brazil.
Third answer: when in Italy, I still live parents’s house, which is great because it’s comfortable, but that’s not exactly what I’m looking for right now. Right now, what I want the most is starting my own life.
Fourth answer: I guess this answer involves all the things I have in mind to do. I can start with the ten days of Vipassana meditation I absolutely want to try as soon as possible (even though I doubt I can shut up for ten days, but it’s worth a try), go on with the six months my boyfriend and I want to spend in an Ashram in India learning the art of meditation (it doesn’t necessarily have to be India, but I’m learning how to read the Hindi alphabet, so it would be cool… ok, it has to be India), and conclude with the house where we will finally live together (which will with no doubt include a big kitchen, a room for my writing activities, a little meditation room and a piano). Simple, right?
I was considering today, I will have a couple of days for myself in beginning of March, after finishing the university exams and before coming back to Brazil, so I might use them for a little trip by myself… I would like to visit a very good friend of mine in Budapest or to spend some days on my own in London. I can’t do both, unless my parents want to give me a little gift to celebrate how pretty I am, so I accept suggestions while waiting for the guiding star that will lead me to the answer!
I leave you with this wonderful video about Vipassana meditation. Enjoy!
Now excuse me, but I have intercontinental calls to make.