Mental health

Man, I’m Hungry.

Honestly, I had decided not to write today, and I already had a bunch of excuses ready. Last night I slept very little, and when I did, I had terrible nightmares. It’s become very rare in the last months that I sleep well, actually, so everything in my day – breakfast, shower, lunch, writing, studying… – just happens whenever I have the energy to do it. Not to mention how slow I am at doing all this.

This was one of the very rare mornings that my boyfriend got out of the house without kissing me goodbye, he was so mad at me. On my side, I am very disappointed with myself, too. I know I’m working a lot on myself, actually, but sometimes I feel that I’m not improving fast enough, or that I’m taking a step back on my path. I don’t have balance in my life, I’m just rebuilding everything, and I wasn’t expecting it would take so long. I feel lost in the middle of nowhere. And I’m not known for my patience.

So I guess the only thing I might manage to write about today is how hungry I am. Yesterday, as I wrote, I started my “diet” – which basically consists in reducing my ration of rice/pasta/bread, increasing my ration of vegetables, reducing the times per day that I assault the fridge and goodbye to sweets. If I get too hungry between a meal and the other, I eat an apple. Last time I did this it worked, but it was way easier since I bought my own food, so if there was something I shouldn’t eat, I just didn’t buy it. Here I’m not in charge of shopping for food, and my boyfriend’s mom loves to go to this bakery close to home, and she comes home with awesome-smelling bread and sweets… And you know, I like sweets here in Brazil, but I’m not crazy on them ’cause they actually taste too sweet. But they look so beautiful, that when you see them you just forget about it.

So, yesterday it was hard, but I was actually doing well, when around 7pm my boyfriend texted me from work to tell me we would go out with his family to eat, and we would go to this place where they make awesome pasteis. I hadn’t been there before, but I knew what a pastel is. It’s this kind of big fried raviolo with the stuffing that you prefer. It can be both salty (with meat, beans, cheese, fish stuffing) or sweet (chocolate, chocolate and banana, jam stuffing). I’m telling you, it’s very hard to resist. You are not going to believe this, but I only ordered a Caesar’s salad and only tasted one bite of pastel with cheese and onion from my boyfriend. How good was I? Actually I couldn’t even finish my salad ’cause my mouth is still hurting A LOT. Today I managed to stick to the diet, too, somehow. Let’s see how long it lasts.

I think if I closed my eyes now, I would dream of veggie burgers and chocolate and I would sleepwalk to the kitchen… And that’s why I’ll keep my eyes wide open.

patience

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