Eating and Being Eaten.

It’s eating me alive. I have no more strength to fight back. My stomach is empty, and yet I can’t eat. I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep. I don’t have anything to do during my day, but I can’t focus on anything. I don’t know what I like. I don’t know what I want to do. Do I even like anything at all? Continue reading

Take Your Judgmental Eyes Off Me, You. I Mean… Me.

This morning I wrote a blog post, an update on how my monster is evolving. Then I deleted it all by mistake. When I went through my drafts I found this post instead, written a couple of weeks ago as an update of this other one. It’s not really the best thing I have ever written, but still having troubles with my anxiety I just can’t focus enough to edit it properly. In the end, I thought I’d publish it anyway, hoping it might be of help to someone because of its content, regardless of its form. Continue reading

My New Monster.

While I try to find my way in life, a new wave of mental disorder hit me. I definitely was not expecting this to happen. After my panic attacks passed, I thought I was free. I thought I had learnt how to elaborate my emotions, that I had rationalized and understood all that there was to be rationalized and understood. I thought I was fine. Continue reading

Pictures of Rio de Janeiro? No, Thanks.

When people find out that I have been spending a total of six months a year in Rio de Janeiro for the last couple of years, they always open their mouths in amazement. The “O” shape of their open mouth gets even wider when they realise I have virtually no photographic trace of my lengthy Brazilian stays. Continue reading

Random Acts of Kindness.

Yesterday I was having a very lousy day, anxiety-wise. Actually, lately I’ve been having mostly lousy days anxiety-wise. Since there is nothing right now I can do about my actual problems, I have to keep them for the time being, but in my incapability to just stay still in this mud, I have been prey of the most terrible mood swings. I pass from total depression and anxiety attacks and weeping to a state of complete hyperactivity when I drag my friends outside to be eaten alive by mosquitos just so I can consume some of my bottled-up energy. I feel a constant grip at my chest, I can hardly eat and breathing feels like lifting 50-kilo weights. Continue reading

Embracing non-Definition.

Some days ago I mentioned a new writing project of mine to a new acquaintance. He was surprised to find out I was hoping it to turn into a book, rather than just an article. My answer was that writing is the only life direction that has ever made sense to me, the only thing I have ever been able to do properly, what I would really love to do in life. That is not entirely true. Continue reading

Something Vulnerable.

2016 seems to be slipping through my fingers extremely fast. I blinked, and next thing I knew I had graduated from my BA, I had turned 25, and June had come and gone. Oh, and I had published virtually no posts on my blog. Continue reading

About 5am.

In this long night up, I thought it was about time I wrote a post. It’s been so long since I last published something, that even if it ends here it will be better than nothing. Still, it won’t end here. Continue reading

An Unexpected Reappearance.

I never know what to answer when people ask me “How are you?”. From my side, I know that answering with the truth helps deepen the relationship with the person asking, but how do I know if that’s what the other person wants? Whether they are really interested in my answer? Continue reading

Pa(ck)in(g) again.

It’s time to pack again.

Leaving home hurts. Not having a home hurts even more. Leaving your love breaks your heart, each time a little more. When I leave Italy, I always feel the many things I’m going to miss, and when I’m in Brazil I miss them. But when I leave Brazil, I leave my love here, and when I’m in Italy, I don’t just miss him. He is a huge part of myself, of my own being, and I feel empty and broken. Continue reading